These are some of the basics of my discipline style. I always keep them in mind when I am dealing with more specific discipline issues. Combine them for a greater effect. For example, empathize, then redirect.

Connect
In The Discipline Book, Dr. William and Martha Sears who have seven children of their own, and have worked with parents and children for over twenty years say this: "The deeper the parent-child connection, the easier discipline will be." It makes sense that kids who are strongly attached, and whose parents have fostered a loving, respectful, trusting relationship with them will in general be more cooperative and pleasant to be around. The principles of attachment are discussed briefly in Attachment Parenting and extensively in The Baby Book and The Discipline Book by the Sears'.

Understand developmental stages
It is crucial to understand what is developmentally appropriate behavior for your child before taking disciplinary action. Slapping a small child's hand for playing with their food or exploring their surroundings is utterly ineffective and inappropriate unless your intention is to squash their curiosity and spirit. If you understand why your child acts in certain ways, it may make it easier to tolerate.

You will find some information on developmental stages in the Development and Education section.

Prevent the situation
Childproofing and avoiding circumstances that bring on undesirable behavior, such as shopping when a child is tired or hungry, are examples of ways you can prevent the need to actively discipline. This is one of the most effective tools you can use, especially when children are small. Childproofing is very important. Imagine how many "no's" and behavior corrections you can avoid if you provide a safe, appropriate and child friendly environment for your child to explore at her various stages of development.

Consistency is crucial
Keep your rules "few, firm and fair" suggest the authors of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Routines (bedtime, mealtime etc) and follow through are also essential discipline tools. They establish trust in the parent-child relationship. Don't make idle threats. If you say you are going to take away a toy if it is being misused, DO IT. Nothing trains a child's ear to be deaf to a parent's voice like constant threats that are never followed by decisive action. No one is consistent all of the time, but if you really make an effort to be consistent in terms of the behaviors you expect, and how you react to your child's misbehaviors, discipline will be much easier.

Eliminate undesirable behaviors early
Unless you correct an undesirable behavior like whining when it first appears, it can become a learned behavior for your child and will only get increasingly difficult to eliminate.

Distract and Redirect
About the only truly appropriate disciplinary tool for infants and toddlers, the art of redirection is invaluable. Use this frequently, it is appropriate for a variety of situations.

• Items that are off limits: "Uh-oh, not for baby, let's come over here and you can play with your blocks"



• Impending tantrums: "Oh WOW! Look at all of those rocks over there! Shall we walk over that way so you can pick one up before we leave the park?"

Praise
The "catch them when they're good" tactic can be very effective as well. While it's important that you not fawn over each positive behavior your child exhibits (be realistic- children need to learn how to feel good about their own behaviors and not expect undo praise every time they act right) pointing out the good behavior and telling them how much you appreciate it can have a very positive effect. Especially if you are working on a specific behavior, realistic praise can be a very effective.

Empathize
Try to understand where your child is "coming from." Try using language that confirms their emotions and helps them learn to communicate them to you. Saying, "You sound very angry that I won't allow you to watch another movie" might get a better reaction from your child than, "Oh hush!...you know the rules about the television" I would caution against overuse of this empathetic reflection technique, particularly as your child gets older. Depending on your usual communication style, it can sound a bit patronizing and false.

Respect your child's emotions
Teach her that it's okay to have negative emotions like anger and help her learn how to channel those emotions productively. It does her no good for you to try to stifle those emotions All human beings have negative emotions and she needs to know how to handle them appropriately.

Give Choices
A great technique, especially for toddlers. The more choices you can offer a child whose independence is blossoming, the better he will tolerate the situations he has no control over. Offer food choices, clothing choices, now or later choices, toy and activity choices, etc. whenever you possibly can. Just make sure that you would be happy with either of the options you are giving .

I call my all time favorite choice the "self or help choice." We hit on it as soon as she began asserting her independence and the word "self" entered her vocabulary.

• "Do you want to come here for your diaper change by yourself or do you need help"
  
  
• "Do you want to put on your hat by yourself or do you want help"

Natural Consequences
Especially once children are a bit older, natural consequences are a great tool. If they won't eat, they will be hungry. If they refuse to put on their coat, you will have to cut short the play time in the back yard because it is cold. The natural consequence of not getting ready for bed might mean that there is only time for one story. Natural consequences are for situations that aren't life threatening. Obviously, letting a child learn the natural consequence of running into the street is not smart parenting. The Positive Discipline series of books by Jane Nelson, discusses natural consequences in depth.

Separate the child from the behavior
Never tell your child they are bad or you don't like them. Point out that it is the behavior that is bad or the action that you don't like. Use phrases like "I get angry when....." instead of "You make me so mad when you...."

Alternatives to "No"
Use these whenever you can. The goal is not to eliminate the word "no' from your vocabulary altogether, it is to reserve it for those circumstances which really require it, so that it will have more impact.

• Use other words - stop, hot!, not for Lucy, etc. This works well for babies and toddlers.
  
  
• Say Yes - "Of course you can play outside...as soon as we've finished lunch" Good for toddlers and preschoolers.
  
  
• Substitute - "You may not play with the cat's tail, but you may play with these pots and pans" or "Stop! No jumping on the couch! Here....let me put the cushions on the floor and you can jump on those"
  
  
• Explain - "Yucky! That's dirty...bad for you"

Pick your battles
And pick them wisely. Try to distinguish the "biggies" from the "smallies" and consider letting some of the "smallies" slide. These will vary widely from family to family. What is tolerable to you might be intolerable to someone else. I would suggest that disrespectful and annoying behaviors like back talk and whining should never be considered "smallies" These have an enormous impact on the way your child is perceived by others.

Keep it simple
Long winded explanations will bore, and maybe confuse your child. Statements like "The rule is no hitting" or "No cookies before lunch" are easy enough to understand...and there is less for your child to argue with.