We never anticipated having a family bed. While I was pregnant we fixed up a crib with a lovely handmade (by my mother) quilt and matching bumper pads, soft flannel sheets and a couple of safe crib toys in the corner of our one bedroom. Then we had Annika....though the quilt will always be treasured, the crib stayed empty. For the first month or so, when she was really tiny, she slept in a bassinet by the side of our bed. I would nurse her in the night and then carefully lay her back in the bassinet. As she got older we would both fall back asleep with her in the crook of my arm while nursing.

We would occasionally talk about getting her in the crib. We discussed the issue a bit with our pediatrician, who told us that using a family bed was a personal decision and that her only advice was to get her in a crib by about 14 months of age if we didn't want to continue co-sleeping for several more years. I have to laugh now at our "new parent anxiety" and the lack of faith in our instincts that caused us the need to discuss it with our pediatrician in the first place. Having Annika in our bed felt so right and we were all benefiting from the extra nurturing time. On the other hand, most of the mainstream parenting literature seemed to be saying "Get that child in a crib or else!!"

But we had discovered some real advantages to sharing sleep with our baby. Annika slept great, nighttime nursing was easy, it felt good knowing that her needs were being met around the clock, and we were all thriving in the situation. Basically, it felt right. So we ditched our "What to Expect" books, (now known in our home as the "What to Reject" books due to the authors' negative attitude about co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and nurturing in general) and we started reading books and seeking out information on the web about instinctive, nurturing parenting styles like attachment parenting. We came to realize that many families co-sleep. Unfortunately, many people don't talk about it because the topic tends to garner negative reactions. Upon researching the topic more, we realized that many of the negative things we were hearing and reading about co-sleeping were based on myths, lack of education on the subject and outdated, insinct crushing information passed on from the doctors of recently past generations.

So we made our official decision to go with our instincts, ignore the doom sayers and enjoy nurturing our daughter fully. Now, two years into our parenting experience, I simply can't imagine closing a baby up in his/her own room to sleep alone at night. It seems totally unnatural to me after experiencing co-sleeping. When the time comes (and we know it will!) that Annika wants her own bed or we feel like we need a little more space at night we will start thinking about her own bed. I also know that should we decide to have a second child, we won't waste our time or money on a crib..we'll just buy a king sized bed!

The most important thing I could say to you about the family bed is this.....There is nothing intrinsically wrong with co-sleeping. If you want to sleep with your children, you should! I am not saying that everyone should co-sleep. Some children might prefer their own bed, and some parents might be really uncomfortable with the concept. The key is to understand your child's needs, and address your own needs. You need to do what feels right for your family! We all have different value systems and beliefs and one set of rules won't work for everyone.

However, I would like to see all parents, and our society in general, get over some of the negative notions (myths) about the family bed that have been ingrained into us by the parenting "experts" of the past few generations. Incest is not more prevalent in families using the family bed. That is an absolute fallacy. "Overlying", where the baby is smothered by a sleeping parent happens only extremely rarely and most documented cases have been shown to be due to drug use or intoxication of the parent or SIDS. It usually isn't recommended that newborn infants sleep next to their fathers because in the beginning, fathers may not have the same instinctive mechanisms that prevent mothers from rolling onto the baby. That comes with time though, and an older baby is usually safe next to her father unless he is a particularly heavy sleeper or a "thrasher."

Studies have shown that if a family bed is made safe (no fluffy pillows, blankets, etc around the babies face, firm mattress, and baby sleeps on her back) co-sleeping can reduce the chance of SIDS. Other studies have shown that when a baby sleeps next to her mother, her cardiorespiratory system is more regulated. Yet other studies show that co-sleeping has no effect on the rate of SIDS. I personally felt much better about having Annika near us when she was in the age category for highest SIDS risk. It felt much better to me to use my senses and instict as a moniter, rather than electronically monitering her from afar.

The emotional benefits of the family bed include a connection (attachment) that is constant...not withdrawn at night as when a baby is left to cry it out. Co-sleeping babies tend to be more "settled" and less anxious. As Dr. William Sears says, "Sleep-sharing babies get the message - I am just as valuable during the night as I am during the day. I belong to someone twenty-four hours a day"

Another myth about the family bed is that children won't develop good sleep habits, that you need to sleep-train your child. Personally, I don't believe that night time is for "training" your child to sleep on their own. Instead, nighttime should be spent creating an even stronger bond with your child, while teaching them that sleep is safe, peaceful and a natural part of life. All children will sleep through the night when they are developmentally ready to do so. Of course, parents can attain their full night of sleep earlier by pushing aside your child's natural developmental process and letting her cry until she gives up on a response. But to me, that seems cruel and unnecessary. After all, humans have slept with their babies since the beginning of time. In many places throughout the world it is the norm not the exception. Have you heard of widespread sleep disorders in Japan, Africa and the many other cultures around the world that practice co-sleeping?

Our experience has been that Annika sleeps great, usually stays asleep through the night, and if she does wake up, there is rarely any crying or lengthy disturbance of our sleep. A simple pat on the back, a murmered reassurance, or a few minutes of drowsy nursing is all it takes. She didn't consistently sleep through the night until she was well over a year old, but that was fine with us. She followed her own developmental schedule!

Though many co-sleeping families agree that the best investment they have made is a king sized bed, co-sleeping doesn't neccessarily mean that your child has to sleep in your bed . There are many variations to the family bed including a crib placed in a side-car arrangment next to the bed, a mattress on the floor next to the bed, and other similar arrangements. After a period of time sleeping with their parents, children can also be moved into a sleep sharing situation with siblings. This can greatly enhance sibling bonding. Obviously, there comes a time when it may not be appropriate for siblings, or a family to share sleep. By this point in time most children will have expressed their desire to have their own bed.

Even if you choose not to use the family bed there are better ways to help your child to sleep than lettting her "cry it out". You can gently parent your child to sleep in their own room if that is what you would prefer. While that might seem like it would be a time consuming "task", it is actually a special time shared with your child that builds mutual trust and a strong attachment.

We chose to follow our instincts, and the rewards continue to be sweet. I know that when we no longer share a bed with our daughter, that I will always remember and treasure the puffs of sweet baby breath in my face, the velvet softness of a baby's arm resting against mine, hearing Annika's middle of the night mutterings, and waking up in the early hours of the morning to find a nursing toddler at my breast. I know that Annika will always remember and associate bedtime with love, coziness and safety.