One of the main criticisms thrown at the attachment parent is that it is a method of parenting that fosters dependency and inhibits more autonomous functioning. The critics say that when babies sleep with their parents, their sense of boundaries become blurred. When parents quickly respond to their crying child, the child is hindered in their ability to develop self-soothing mechanisms; they become spoiled; they have difficulty developing frustration tolerance and often need their parents to console them. When parents decide to home school, it represents difficulty separating and impedes the more normative development of social skills, creating a child that may need their parent to aid them in interacting with the outside world. All in all, this form of raising children makes it difficult for parents and their child to separate as the child grows. Our response? Let the critics produce the research defending their positions!!!

Realistically, should parents be concerned about raising dependent children if they choose to adhere to the principles of attachment parenting? And how does one help their child to separate when "practicing attachment"?

The answer to this question is twofold. The first step entails knowing what normal developmental strivings towards autonomy look like. The second step is being able to support and encourage such strivings in your child.

There are several distinct stages in a child's life reflective of their desire to separate and function more independently. Parents have the opportunity to experience the first stage when their little bundles of joy suddenly begin expressing some opposition...you wake up one morning and the new word for the day is "No." In fact, the new word for the next few weeks...months...might be "no". This is certainly a sign that you want to see. It is the early expressions of your child saying, "Hey mom and dad, I am a separate being with some degree of control over my environment." It's a good sign in developmental terms. Unfortunately, this stage has acquired the dubious term "The Terrible Twos". Personally, we here at Alternative Parenting prefer the term "Terrific Twos". If parents can learn not to interpret this as defiance or willful resistance, you are one step closer to being supportive and encouraging of this all so important developmental striving.

Once the "Terrific Twos" are over and done with, parents have the opportunity to again encourage autonomous functioning when your child begins his work on mastery skills/tasks. This is another developmental milestone which appears at around 4 or 5 years of age. What does this stage look like? You will know it is here when your little one tells you that he is now a big one. So what if the socks do not match - he wants to pick out his own clothes, wants to tie his own shoes, in a nut-shell, he wants to do it all himself and wants the acknowledgement that he is doing the job well. Parents can encourage and support this by saying what a great job he is doing with his shoes...or clothes...or something else all together. He is busy learning and needs your encouragement and support of his attempts to move towards greater autonomy and separation.

When helping children to "separate", parents also need to be mindful of the messages that they convey. When parents are anxious about their children doing more, their children often pick up on this and begin to feel that there is reason to be anxious themselves. The message, "No, don't do that or you might get hurt", used excessively or unduly says to a young child, "exploring and being curious are not safe behaviors". This goes against the natural nature of childhood. Saying to children that strangers are not safe and "you got hurt because you weren't listening" all convey the message, "Stay close 'cause mommy or daddy need to protect you from all the worldly dangers." Is that to say we must rid ourselves of "messages of safety"? Certainly not. As adults, it is our job to teach children safe behaviors and practices; however, we must recognize that many of these messages stem from our own anxieties.

Lastly, "attachment parenting" means "attuned parenting". When we are attuned to the needs of our children, we are better able to and more likely to respond to them. When children cry, they need to be comforted and reassured, not left to fend for themselves. When they are frightened, their fears need to be seriously considered, not minimized or ignored. This helps children to develop a secure base from which to explore the world. When these infantile needs are not met, the likely result is a child who continues to seek gratification from a parent. There is no solid foundation to rely on; thus this child may need to turn more to mommy or daddy to get the job done.

So, should parents be concerned about raising dependent children if they choose to adhere to the principles of attachment parenting? We feel it is the parent that makes the child and not the style that one chooses to raise their child under. The practice of affective attunement, wearing your baby, co-sleeping, home schooling and the like do not dictate that your child will be dependent just as a more parent-guided "separatist style" does not guarantee autonomy.

In closing, we adults need to remember that our children are born dependent and needy. This is nature's doing, not your child's. As they grow, they will acquire the skills they need to be independent and autonomous adults, however, only if their basic needs for love, contact comfort, security and closeness are sufficiently attended to. That is, if we respect their own developmental time frames and do not impose our own adult needs and desires on them, our children should grow to become happy, healthy and secure adults. This is the philosophy of the attachment parent.

David Smith, CSW is the resident therapist at Alternative Parenting. He specializes in clinical work with children and families. More of his writings/work can be seen at AlternativeParenting.com , a web-site dedicated to parents who want a more natural lifestyle for themselves and their children.